So, one week from today is PALM SUNDAY! WOW. I'm here to tell you that time has gone QUICKLY! Like lightening speed! But, isn't that how life is??? Seems like yesterday that katie was dropping the bomb that she was pregnant and sweet Beckett is now 4 months old! We are planning our WDW trip and I told Katie I can't wait and she said "me either, but I don't want it too go TOO fast b/c I'm enjoying Beckett's every baby stage
today started off with a case of "writer's block" but as I type, which is usually what happens, thoughts started coming. Before I get out of bed, I usually have a flash image of all my kids/grandkids and say a quick prayer for them. Sometimes I "linger" over one of our kids ,and will pray more for them , for whatever reason. I feel like if I forget something, then something bad will happen to them. That's not the way it works, but I still have that weird fear sometimes. Have a panic that I didn't pray long enough for them or that it was my fault when something doesn't work out for them. This is called "mama fry- who worries about all her children even though they are grown up and have their own family, but still wanting them to be safe and happy and healthy " Syndrome. Does that sound familiar to you? Do those thoughts/fears/dreams for your children ever go away? Doubtful. I remember saying one time to Mimi, "Thank goodness they are growing up and getting married . Relief. I can quit worrying". She looked at me like I was dumb, (that WAS a dumb statement,!) and said, "yes, but THEN you worry about them and their spouse! And then, when they have children, you worry about them/their spouse/ and their children....! It never ends".
RATS! I was hoping it would get easier, this constant worry about my children and their welfare. Of course, that's not the way it works at all. You just add others to your circle of prayer and pray/pray/pray! So, what's the magic potion for keeping the worry wort away from your family?? For me, it's reading a devotional that I felt that day was just written for me. Or stopping whatever I'm doing and just pray for a specific child.(or all 5). Or taking a deep breath and looking to heaven and whispering, "protect them, PLEASE".This is the hardest part of being a parent. And, Mimi was right, it never ends. NEVER. EVER. You hold that newborn baby and you look into his/her eyes and you see a future for them. Filled with smiles/joy/happiness/wholeness/health/wealth/peace. But, you know that's not all going to happen. Many days they will receive those gifts. But, as they get older and , even as young as kindergarten, begin to face the world in all it's harsh reality. You want to keep them forever in the "mama bubble". But, what about the "God bubble"? that's what you have to do when they leave your arms when they walk out the door. I bet everyone reading this, that has had a child starting kindergarten the first time, knows how hard that is. Remember the joy and excitement as they dressed for that first day? And even some trepidation? You are so mixed with emotions. You are excited for this new learning curve but you dread it, too. Maybe your child isn't too keen on going and might have even cried? (except in the case of our Natalie who, typical middle child, said to me "mom, you go back to the car. I'm going in BY MYSELF", with those cute pigtails switching behind her as she marched into the classroom. Alone. (of course, I cried all the way home). I remember Charles going off to college. Our first one to leave. He was going ACROSS TOWN, but I still sobbed and sobbed. Because I knew, when he returned, things would always be different b/c he was now a "college boy". But NOTHING could prepare me for when Patrick left to go in the NAVY. Nothing. I truly cried for days. Would wake up crying during the night. Terrified for his safety. Not knowing where he was at times and the unknown killed me. When Michael left for a summer in Yellowstone and Natalie for a summer in Maine? Freakouts. When Katie moved to Atlanta? Anguish. But, it's part and parcel of what you get when you sign up for this thing called "motherhood". You give and you take. and you GIVE UP lots of control. If you don't, you are doing your children/grandchildren a big disservice. You have to LET GO and LET GOD. You can't expect your grown children to want to be with you ALL the time. You have to bite your lip sometimes at the different types of parenting. You learn to yield to things you didn't think you could. And when your grown children make decisions that you might not agree with, you learn to look at things from another perspective. And sometimes it's an "AHA" moment!
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| my heart and soul |
I bet God feels that way, sometimes. He looks down at us and wants to shake His Heavenly Head. But, thankfully, He is a God of second chances. And, as He looks down on parents who are struggling letting their children grow up and move on, He understands. I'll admit it, I'm not there yet. I've done pretty good, tho! HAHA! At least I don't make them all live on a compound with me ! HA! I try to always be fair/ to listen/ to bite my tongue/ to offer advice when asked and a myriad list of feelings I have towards them all as they are now adults. I do pride myself on the fact that I feel that they all share a lot with me. Each one. I don't compare. I don't judge . I listen . Even though my tongue might be bleeding sometimes from trying to keep it from wagging! But, most of all, I try , REALLY TRY, to let go and let GOD. with 5 kids/9 grands, there is always something going on. Most of the time, just "fun and games". But, there are some very REAL times when I'm asked to support one in confidence and advice. I listen and I pray. And PRAY. AND PRAY!!!!!! No matter the outcome , they know that I have given it to God. If I have failed as a parent, and I have many times along the way, I think they all know one thing I do that they can depend on. And that is get on my knees and lift them up before Almighty God. Standing in the gap for them. Praying for them when they are unable to do so for themselves. Offering myself as a living sacrifice for them. Nothing else will do. For, as they all know, I would give my life in an instant for them. And will do so for the rest of their days. But Jesus did one better. He gave His life for , not only me and my kids, but for all those who come to Him! It's still something that blows my mind. During this time of year, during Lent, even more so. That HE stands in the gap for ALL of us. And, that gives this "worry wort" so much comfort and peace. Without it, I could not have peace about having so many children/grandchildren that I love so deeply. While I still worry, I have learned to "let go" so much of the time. Especially when things are out of my control. And, without fail, always, always God has sustained us/provided for us and protected us . what more can a "freakazoid" mama ask for?
#carryontowardsthecross #Hisloveblowsmymind #imaworrywort #lettinggolettingGod
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