Day 7 Solitude

I like the word solitude. It even sounds peaceful. I mention often about having 5 kids. When you think of the word  "solitude", that doesn't seem like that would go with having a house full of: 3 BOYS (enough said) 2 drama queens and throw in a cat and a dog. Add T.V.'s/ music/noise/crying/laughing and conversations going constantly and you have my house 25 years ago. And I loved it. That, friends is NOT solitude, however. That is CHAOS. Controlled chaos, but chaos just the same. I had a neighbor who once walked into the kitchen as I was : Nursing Katie/ stirring spaghetti/reading a book and the other kids were running around the house. She said in shock, "do you even know what you're reading?" I remember looking up and saying, "huh?" (I didn't even hear her! ). Even now, crying babies don't bother me. At our church , after we greet each other, the parents go and get the children and bring them  back to worship so that families can have Holy Communion together. I always am smiling to myself b/c it so reminds me of my life at one time. screaming/noisy/laughing/crying kids. I think it might bother some of the older folk but not me.  (and bothers the parents, lol). For me, it's just the way life was. A time I cherish and , sometimes, MISS. Other times, I am enjoying my SOLITUDE. Now, when Terry goes to work, it's me and Chi Chi and Lola.  It took me a long time to get used to it. (AND, it took me a long time to quit setting the table with 7 plates/7 sets of cutlery/7 glasses, too!). But, like all phases of life, I embrace my (sometimes) almost lonely days now. Don't get me wrong, I could still talk to God with the chaos, but great balls of fire, it's a lot easier now to hear myself think! LOL! BUT, I still love the chaos when we all get together. It's my happy place.

So, today I am thinking about how Jesus went up to the mountain top for those 40 days in solitude. He had been surrounded by chaos. Disciples talking / kids squealing/ babies crying/ people wanting to know who He was. It says that the Holy Spirit led Him. But I bet He didn't mind. He needed a break. Don't we all? Sometimes I think it would be fun to go on a Cruise all by my lonesome! But, how quickly I would miss Terry!  I would love to have "a moment" on the beach, but then, who would I share it with?  I go to WDW with Katie/Jon/Kids every year. Some people (like my HUSBAND) say ,"how can you stand: the crowds/the crying kids/the long lines/the chaos?" I say, "it feels like years ago!"  HAHA! I LOVE it. I love seeing the kids seeing someone they love--a princess or Woody (those are Disney characters, FYI, if you are not "in the loop"). I love spending time with the Cullens, too. To see them interact and share their joy. It's awesome, really. I also remember going to Australia with Natalie/Brad/Kemp (he was about 15 months old). Again, it was awesome to see Brad in his homeland and he was able to share with me where he lived/loved/grew up. It brought tears to my eyes to see him with his family/old friends and his beautiful Melbourne. Brad's solitude came from being with his family. And it was beautiful to see.

I imagine Jesus loved going on the mountaintop to enjoy time with His Father. To talk/to listen/to cry/to praise. But, just when He was enjoying it, who sneaks in to try and foil His time? Yep, the big D that I wrote about yesterday. Jesus had temptations like we did. He was a man. He had feelings and, by gosh, he got hungry up there. But, He stuck to His Father and turned His back on the devil.  I sometimes can turn my back on the devil , too. But sometimes, when life is chaotic, I bend. Like a reed in the wind. I bend so far I am almost to the point of breaking. You know it looks when you have a rose in a vase? It stands so strong, at first, but after a few days that stem starts getting more pliable and it begins to bend. So much so, at times, that the rose head will droop completely.
 When I took some of the roses from Mimi's grave in November, I loved walking into the kitchen and seeing those beautiful pink roses. The kitchen smelled so sweet and my eyes would fill with tears b/c Mimi loved her some flowers. Especially, ROSES. And I knew, that soon they would begin to bend and their heads would droop and the petals would fall off. I dreaded that, as silly as it sounds.  So, I decided to thwart that vision and took them out of the water before that happened. I laid them carefully on paper towels on top of the high chair in the kitchen and let them dry. I was thrilled that they dried so beautifully. Yes, the rose heads drooped. And they weren't as vibrant pink as they were.  Those roses did not look like they had looked in their "glory days" but still beautiful, in a different way,  and still the scent remained. After a week or so, I carefully took them into the dining room and laid them on the buffet. I can walk by them anytime I want and smell them and look upon them.  I think of Mimi again. Not unlike the roses, Mimi is gone but what remains is a sweet scent of her.  Now, what do you say, does that have to do with solitude? Heck, I have no idea. My fingers just started tapping. Wait a minute, maybe there is something there. Mimi lived on the chaos of earthly living. Just like Terry/I used to when all the kids were here too. But, towards the end, she was in her own solitude with Him. As most do when they are dying, they get in "the zone". (not unlike "the zone" a birthing mama is in before birth). Nobody knows where you are/what you are feeling. She was in that place. It was  hard not having response from her then. And yet, on my long drive home each time I would leave, I would try and remember this wasn't about ME or my feelings. It was my mother going into solitude with God. Sometimes I would sit and stare at her. Not talking, just watching. And I just know she was getting ready to go home. Sometimes I would try to talk to her but when I was there , alone with her, I just watched. Watched her take a breath (and hold mine hoping she would take the next one) but would try to imagine  "where she was". I have no doubt God was preparing her to go home.

Jesus was getting ready to "go home" and He needed to talk to His Father. And, I often think, He was praying for me then. yes! I wrote that!!!! Praying for ME.  And you. Even then. He was praying for all who would come to follow Him and will follow Him. So, today, as I go about my day, I will try to have some of that "alone time" / that solitude that we all crave . Because we all know that it is in those moments, we are the closest to our Lord. A time to "get in the zone" with Him. Go in peace. And solitude.

(Mimi's roses)


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