Thursday, February 11, 2016

#Lenten Journey Day 2/ from the ashes

Last night was our Ash Wednesday Service. It was meaningful and solemn. Yesterday I was so glad not to be on FaceBook,( although, crazy as it sounds, my fingers hit the button on my computer before I knew what was happening. I quickly exited. That's how ingrained I am towards social media these days), but the reason was, I needed to try and process the news of Kathy/Kayla and Madelyn's deaths. Without distraction. Without  posts. Just me and God. ( I did go to "Messenger" b/c I had lots of inboxes about Kathy, friends from Discovery UMC) Everyone was pretty much writing the same thing. "shocked". "crying" "how in the world did that happen?" "PRAYING"  "what can we do?"  "I'm in shock", "no words"  and on and on. I just added a crying face, mainly, b/c that's how I felt. I wish I could've found an ugly crying face b/c my face looked pretty much ugly yesterday with the tears I shed. 

All day I struggled with the image of the fire engulfing those 3 and could literally shake with anxiety and sadness. I cried several times during the day as I worked in my craft room and thought about them. Katie would call or text too. She went with our Small Group to Gulf Shores one week-end with Kathy and she knew her well--Kathy being several years older than Katie and always so sweet to her. But , then, Kathy was a "kid magnet". Kids loved her. I knew one day she would have children b/c she always had them around her.  She was like the pied piper! And you could tell, even in her pix on FB ,that her house always had her girls friends there. She was childlike and had an innocence about her .And the horrible part of the tragedy was that her own children were the same ages as Kemp/Lily and Daisy/Powell and my mind would wander to "what ifs" I was  hearing news like that? Would my faith stand strong? Would I want to run into a burning house and perish along with them? 

I worried so for Kathy's husband all day yesterday. I met him only once,  when we were out to eat dinner when Kayla was a baby and ran into them when they still lived here. He was a gentle soul, you could tell. Seemed to be a good bit older than Kathy, but that was good b/c Kathy was immature in many ways when I knew her at Discovery,  but at the same time, she felt most comfortable around children or older adults, like me. She and her mom, at the time, didn't get along so she kind of attached herself to our  small group---she had about 4 "mamas" to listen to her and could be somewhat detached from her personal issues and instead were more of a listening/encouraging group towards her. Yesterday, I re-visited some of those small group meetings in my mind. Thinking about her and wondering, Did I do enough to encourage her? As the leader of the group, did I do all I could do to support and love on her? Did I listen enough? Did I point her in the right direction? The answer is, yes,  I truly believe, not ME, but our group did that. She loved each one of us. Jana/Beth/Ruthie/Becky/ me.  We became her "mama figures". We could be a "guiding mama" without the parental responsibility. We didn't know if everything she told us was true so we had to kind of "filter through" some of her stories. And mostly, encourage her. I'll be honest and say that she drove us crazy at times and we would roll our eyes at some of her comments ,but we hung in there with her. It was hard at times b/c she was young and had issues, but I feel confident we DID give her much support and love when she obviously, was searching. For role models and for someone to just listen. AND, she was 18 and immature. Mature in But, I will say this-- not immature about one thing. Jesus. She loved her some Jesus. Again, almost in a childlike way  her face would shine when she would talk about her faith. She grew up (at least this is what she told us) in a family that didn't attend church nor was Jesus ever mentioned. Truth was, she did come alone every single week. And she never missed church!!! She was the first one there and the last one to leave. She was HUNGRY for Jesus and He came and  filled her cup full.
 In later years,  I always worried about her and was glad to re-connect on FB and when I saw she finally accomplished what she wanted most, having a sweet loving husband and 2 little girls, I felt such happiness for her. She seemed to have truly "climbed her mountain of issues" and found the peace and love she so always craved. And I have to give it to her, was ALWAYS in a church somewhere.( Good point that despite people who whine about not having Christian homes, you can pull yourself up by the boot straps and go and find a Body of Christ that will be there for you). she found Him and He claimed her.

 Like I said, I didn't know Brent, having only  met him that one time , briefly. I felt like I knew his through FB, tho! She was always posting pictures of flowers he had sent to her and always/always those little girls were all over him. They were all constantly hugging and smiling. Of course, I know they were pictures, but you know when you see a picture that you know wasn't a forced hug or smile?? Yeah. These were NOT forced. These were real love just "oozing" through the pictures. So,  I was so worried yesterday that he could be incriminated in the deaths in some way, because he survived and they did not. (He had been upstairs with them, heard a loud POP, ran downstairs to look outside and when he came in, that quickly, the upstairs was engulfed and he could not go up the steps. The poor man ran outside screaming for a neighbor, they tried to go in, could not, tried breaking a window, to no avail). Imagine his feelings. I can't. . Like I wrote earlier,  I prayed for him all morning. 

Kathy  moved away/ married/ had her girls  but we stayed in touch through FaceBook. She would often write on my wall things like, "Miss Janice, I miss seeing you---you look exactly the same. I love you". She continued to have  this kind of "child like" personality, always.  And after she married/had children that thirst for Him just grew., I believe. She was complicated at times/ perplexing but bottom line was, she never wavered on her faith. Or her desire to live for Him or dance for him. The children that danced with her idolized her. She was beautiful and she was sooo sweet to those little girls at Discovery so I knew she would be such a great girl mom. She loved writing on FB about the funny things her girls would say or do. And wrote often on Katie's FB page about Katie's babies. I'll never forget her sending Carter a yellow monkey blanket and little monkey when he was born. She probably didn't have a lot of extra money to spend like that, so it really meant a lot to Katie. She was thoughtful like that--loved to please people.... My favorite recent thing she did  was her excitement over buying "Super Carter" shirts!  Again, she bought herself and her girls shirts when I know that she probably budgeted her money . She was one of the FIRST , in not the first, to respond to the Tee-Shirt fund raiser. And she wrote "I can't wait for us to get our shirts!" She posted a picture of them wearing them, immediately,  and posted on FaceBook.  (I am going to try and find the picture without getting on FB so that will be a challenge, lol). I want you to see her and those precious girls. So you can have a visual of her/the girls also.

 I do so wish I had a video of her dancing to "I Can Only Imagine". She became like an angel with her blonde hair in a topknot on top of her head and her tall willowy figure with her beautiful ballet shoes wrapped up her ankles. Modest but beautiful leotards and almost always either blue or white. When the music started, she became one with the One who created her. It was almost hard to watch b/c it was so beautiful and worshipful. After she would dance, the congregation would be silent. For we all knew we had seen her go on holy ground. And, yes, there were angels all around....So, for me, I had a rough time yesterday. Katie texted me the updates from the Atlanta News (where , one female reporter said "this is when it's so hard to be reporting without crying" or something to that effect). The news came in yesterday afternoon that a spark had ignited a recliner chair that had a remote that was too close to the fireplace. (Ironically, the last picture she posted was of her girls sitting in front of the fireplace ).  The firemen said they'd never seen a fire go that quickly.   As I wrote earlier, all day long, I would have these images of the girls screaming. I tried not to "go there" b/c I would cry and just feel nauseous. But, finally, I felt this peace as after praying and giving my grief to God,  I can truly imagine Kathy gathering those girls to her and letting Jesus take them out of the fire. Into heaven. Their earthly bodies consumed but their heavenly bodies fully intact and into the Presence of Him.  Honestly , she was probably saying, "Girls, it's ok, we're going to see Jesus!" I truly doubt she panicked, I bet she just held to them and let Jesus take them. That faith she had passed it's final test. It is from this image that I cling to now. And I can honestly see her smiling down saying, "it's everything and more up here, Miss Janice!" And , she has her girls with her walking it all together. No more fire. No more struggles. No more pain. Just hand in hand , walking with Jesus and the girls. But,  I sure  hope Jesus can get a word in edgewise. Because that girl loved to talk! lol
 I took a little "photography leniency" with this pix of Kathy. Here she is and here she is dancing




The song she danced to I loved most was the "I can only imagine". Here are the words:

  "I Can Only Imagine"


I can only imagine what it will be like
When I walk by your side
I can only imagine what my eyes will see
When your face is before me
I can only imagine

Yeah

Surrounded by your glory
What will my heart feel
Will I dance for your Jesus
Or in awe of you be still
Will I stand in your presence
Or to my knees will I fall
Will I sing hallelujah
Will I be able to speak at all
I can only imagine
I can only imagine

I can only imagine when that day comes
And I find myself standing in the Son
I can only imagine when all I will do
Is forever, forever worship you
I can only imagine, yeah
I can only imagine

Surrounded by your glory
What will my heart feel
Will I dance for your Jesus
Or in awe of you be still
Will I stand in your presence
Or to my knees will I fall
Will I sing hallelujah
Will I be able to speak at all
I can only imagine
Yeah
I can only imagine

Surrounded by your glory
What will my heart feel
Will I dance for your Jesus
Or in awe of you be still
Will I stand in your presence
Or to my knees will I fall
Will I sing hallelujah
Will I be able to speak at all
I can only imagine
Yeah
I can only imagine

I can only imagine
Yeah
I can only imagine
I can only imagine
I can only imagine

I can only imagine
When all I will do
Is forever, forever worship you

I can only imagine
 
I've been invited to a prayer time for Kathy tonight at Discovery. Kathy lives in Tucker, Ga. now but she was a HUGE part of Discovery UMC and many of her friends will not be able to travel there for the funeral (which , no pun intended, can only imagine -how huge it will be!). We knew her. Really knew her. Her struggles/ her hurts/ her pains. But, for me, a place to grieve with others who knew her too and remember the young girl who danced during a hard time in her life but went on to marry and have those 2 precious little girls. And, yes, she continued a dance ministry at her church at Tucker UMC along with her own little girls. It will be a place for me to share with others and have a time to have some closure. I wanted to write about the Ash Wed. Service and some questions Father Lyle put to us from AW Tozer, but will do that tomorrow.  
I am also going to post the song that Kathy danced to (It will come in another post) and I pray as you listen that you will also think about what YOU will see when that day comes when we meet Him face to face like Kathy did. Most of us will not be 34 or 12 or 9 years old when we do so . But one day we will. And we never know when that day will come. I know, for one, I plan to be ready. *Thanks, Kathy, for the childlike faith that you showed me 17 years ago.
#carrythecross
#LentenJourney
#areyouready

No comments: