I have been so far behind that I almost said, "I'll throw in the towel on this online Bible study! I am behind, people have left the thread, I have failed. Once again". But, then, that's exactly what the devil would WANT me to do! I was hearing a little voice saying, "you can't catch up. Nobody is ready. Don't even try. You don't need to worry with it. Go watch T.V. Go get on FaceBook. Go get a biscuit and some coffee at McDonalds. Nobody is reading anymore, nor do they care about your life, your thoughts or God's Word". Hmmmm, sound familiar? Why do I always fall into that trap?! The devil has had a hay-day with me the past 3 weeks.
Well, kicking you to the curb, mr. devil! I need this even if no one else does!!!!
SO here is where I have been.I have been in a mental frenzy about my mother. I want to change it all. Change the fact she fell/change her mental state/change the fact she is living somewhere where she doesn't want to be. But here is the reality. I CANNOT. And accepting this has been hard. Yesterday during my visit, Charles/Rachel and kids came by to see her too. I didn't watch my mother as I usually do. I watched Charles. And that is what broke my heart. It was written all over his face that his grandmother has changed and that the "MIMI" he knew, the one who was sunny and laughing and happy, had changed . I'm not saying she won't return to her old self. (that woman amazes me!) . But, the truth is, she is 97. And she has a lot to overcome. And watching him see her in that state, was more difficult than watching her myself. In other words, it's sometimes harder to see others struggle than for yourself to. I was watching : 1. my mother struggle 2. my son struggle. Hard stuff. So what do I do?
I can do one of two thing. Continue walking as if I have on thick heavy boots as I sludge thro it all. Depressed when I visit her, cry on the way home and frustrated that I have spent half a day as I get home doing, what I consider, nothing at all but spinning around in mud that is pulling me down like a whirlpool. OR, I can lean on the One who is beside my mother AND me. You know i often tell folks that are freaking out about change and stress and hard times that God didn't promise there wouldn't be those times. BUT, as I have struggled to remember the past few weeks, HE IS WITH US, BESIDE US. Walking in the sludge with me. Cleaning off my heavy boots that are filled with mud, wiping them clean and putting slippers on instead.
I found Patrick's boots in the attic a couple of weeks ago. Would you believe that they still had MUD from 25 years ago on the bottom? Even gravel pieces still on them! As I cleaned them, I decided to leave some of the mud on the bottom. Why? because I wanted to remember my little blond haired boy running thro the woods in them. I don't think God wants us to leave mud on our boots . And if we ask Him to, He will clean them up and gently place them back on our feet. Sometimes we hold on to the mud, like I have. 
Why do we do that? To remember our hard times?? To be able to say to others, "I did such and so". NEWSFLASH: everyone has hard times!!!!!! I have to try and remember that now. EVERYONE HAS PROBLEMS, it's how we DEAL with the MUD. And the best MUD CLEANER I KNOW IS..... GOD!
See ya Wednesday---try to stay out of the mud!!!!!!
Today's Lesson is on "More of God, more WITH God". Something I need to hear and apply! Again,, since this is kind of a 1 way street---me talking/writing and you listening (bummer!), I can only give my own two cents. And I have a lot to draw on from the past 3 weeks, especially! With my mother now moved to East Glen, for Physical Therapy, and her not that happy there (as she says many times during the visits), it's been hard to 1. go 30 minutes to go see her and see her decline and complain 2. find things to talk about with her besides "I want to go home and I don't know what's wrong with me" 3. ask God what is my role in her life right now and what do I pray for her? To Heal her? At 97? At this point: how do I pray for her ?
I'm glad I have this quiet Sunday morning alone to think/pray and talk to God. Right this minute, Terry is working on an EMMAUS WALK , at Camp Chula Vista, and how I envy him! A whole week-end to do nothing but praise/worship/sing/share. He gave a talk Saturday morning and I was jealous! Jealous that he was able to do something for God for others all week-end and to meet new members of the Body of Christ and just share in God's goodness as they break bread together. And yet, I realized, as I was writing that, that I have had the same opportunity here. Not just on an Emmaus Week-end . But, all the time. I just don't take the opportunities when they present themselves all that often.
SO here is where I have been.I have been in a mental frenzy about my mother. I want to change it all. Change the fact she fell/change her mental state/change the fact she is living somewhere where she doesn't want to be. But here is the reality. I CANNOT. And accepting this has been hard. Yesterday during my visit, Charles/Rachel and kids came by to see her too. I didn't watch my mother as I usually do. I watched Charles. And that is what broke my heart. It was written all over his face that his grandmother has changed and that the "MIMI" he knew, the one who was sunny and laughing and happy, had changed . I'm not saying she won't return to her old self. (that woman amazes me!) . But, the truth is, she is 97. And she has a lot to overcome. And watching him see her in that state, was more difficult than watching her myself. In other words, it's sometimes harder to see others struggle than for yourself to. I was watching : 1. my mother struggle 2. my son struggle. Hard stuff. So what do I do?
I can do one of two thing. Continue walking as if I have on thick heavy boots as I sludge thro it all. Depressed when I visit her, cry on the way home and frustrated that I have spent half a day as I get home doing, what I consider, nothing at all but spinning around in mud that is pulling me down like a whirlpool. OR, I can lean on the One who is beside my mother AND me. You know i often tell folks that are freaking out about change and stress and hard times that God didn't promise there wouldn't be those times. BUT, as I have struggled to remember the past few weeks, HE IS WITH US, BESIDE US. Walking in the sludge with me. Cleaning off my heavy boots that are filled with mud, wiping them clean and putting slippers on instead.
I found Patrick's boots in the attic a couple of weeks ago. Would you believe that they still had MUD from 25 years ago on the bottom? Even gravel pieces still on them! As I cleaned them, I decided to leave some of the mud on the bottom. Why? because I wanted to remember my little blond haired boy running thro the woods in them. I don't think God wants us to leave mud on our boots . And if we ask Him to, He will clean them up and gently place them back on our feet. Sometimes we hold on to the mud, like I have. 
Why do we do that? To remember our hard times?? To be able to say to others, "I did such and so". NEWSFLASH: everyone has hard times!!!!!! I have to try and remember that now. EVERYONE HAS PROBLEMS, it's how we DEAL with the MUD. And the best MUD CLEANER I KNOW IS..... GOD! WOW, if you're still with me, I'm surprised!!!!! But, you see, I need MORE THAN EVER To keep connected with God and continue on!!!!!! Maybe you are in a situation that is not like mine but something else that is pulling you under into that mud sinkhole. Here's what I have read, from our lesson that might help........
"Jesus' final remarks in the vineyard, He turned the disciples' attention away from activity altogether. I imagine Jesus leaning forward in the circle of light that spring evening, I see Him tracing the gnarled curve of an ancient vine, His fingertips pausing where the massive trunk divides into a branch.
'Abide in Me, and I in you', He says."
"Then he directs the disciples' attention down the branch--trimmed and tied along the trellis and already swelling with the promise of the harvest to come."
"I AM THE VINE AND YOU ARE THE BRACHES> He would abides in Me, and I in him, bears much fruit; for without Me you can do nothing".
"At this critical moment, Jesus tells what should happen next-after discipline to remove sin, after pruning to change priorities. ABIDE IN ME......Picture the place where ancient trunk meets vigorous branch. Here is the touch point, the place where abiding happens. Here is the connection where life giving nutrients in the sap flow through to the developing fruit. The only limitation on the amount of sap that goes to the fruit is the circumference of the branch where it meets the vine. That means that the branch with the largest, least obstructed connection with the vine is abiding the most and will have the greatest potential for a huge crop. This picture brings us to the final and most abundant category of fruitfulness, the third secret of the vine."
I think what the author AND, more importantly, what Jesus is saying here is that unless our friendship and dependency on God become FIRST PRIORITY, we'll never fulfill what it is that God wants us to be. In other words, put everything else aside until you can figure out what is causing that empty feeling or feeling of disconnect with God. So how do you get back to that place that maybe you once were and now feel disconnected????? First, remember how you felt when you were all ON FIRE for God!!!! For me, that means an incredible worship service at church/a moment of spiritual awakening/a point in time where you KNEW you and God had connected on a level that you can not explain in human terms. Remember??????? Desire that again????? I know I do!!!! I shouldn't make you wait until Wednesday to hear the answers that Bruce Wilkinson addresses in "THE SECRET OF THE VINE" but I want you to think on those things. In the meantime, seek God in prayer and ask Him to help you. And then, on Wednesday I will share what the author says as well.
Know I'm in there with you! I, too, need those answers!!!!!
Bless you and thank for sticking with me. And isn't that what being a Christian friend is, after all?
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